Marriage is one of the first topics raised in the Bible (Genesis 2:18-25). Marriage is mentioned throughout the pages of the Holy Scripture; it is deeply explored in the New Testament. It discusses the purposes of marriage, the roles of husband and wife, the nature of gender differences, and the responsibilities of parents (Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:18-25; 1 Peter 3:1-7; Hebrews 13:4), and more than once and not in the same place. Unsuccessful marriage is mentioned in Old Testament law and is discussed at length by Jesus and Paul when discussing divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1–4; Matthew 5:31,32; 19:3–9; 1 Corinthians 7:10–16).

The Bible encourages believers to take comfort in interpersonal and sexual intercourse with their spouses and says that a reasonable wife is from the Lord. On the other hand, the Book of Proverbs, by giving an accurate, visible mental image, expresses extreme disapproval of the scandals generated by a quarrelsome, quarrelsome marriage partner. Living with such a person is like listening to “the ceaseless dripping on a rainy day” (Proverbs 27:15,16; Proverbs 19:13; 21:9). It is impossible to deal with such a person, just as it is impossible to “hide the wind and the suit in your right hand.” Although there are several descriptions of happy marriages in the Bible, there are indications that Lot, Abraham, Jacob, Job, Samson, David, and many other biblical characters suffered from marital conflict, at least periodically.

Marital conflicts are often the outward manifestation of deeper issues such as selfishness, lack of love, unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, communication problems, anxiety, sexual abuse, drunkenness, low self-esteem, sin, and willful rejection of God’s will. Each of these problems can become a source of marital conflicts, and, conversely, each of these conflicts, in turn, can influence these problems; and to all this, the Bible draws our attention.

Causes of Marital Problems and Their Solutions

In Genesis 2:24 we read about marriage: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” The three verbs in this verse, “leave,” “cleave,” and “shall” point to the three purposes of marriage.

If a person leaves, it means he leaves his parents and enters into a public and legal marriage, or marital union.

Cleave – the exact translation of Heb. words meaning “to stick together” or “to stick”. Ideally, the husband and wife are dedicated to loving, close, and devoted to each other. If this unity is not between them, their marriage has no content; legally, it may be legal, but it is devoid of content, that is, love.

The words “they shall be one flesh” indicate fellowship, not only sexual but also spiritual.

People want happiness, want to fulfill their potential and live fulfilling lives, and at the same time fail to understand that these modern and somewhat egocentric goals are rarely fulfilled in marriages that ignore biblical principles. Moreover, marital problems often arise precisely because husband and wife refuse to live up to the biblical standards summarized in Genesis 2:24 and further specified in Scripture.

1.Imperfect communication. In the specialized literature, this reason for marital disagreements is usually mentioned more often than others. Referring to James 4:1-3, some Bible scholars believe that communication problems arise whenever people pursue self-centered goals, but sometimes such problems also arise because people are not taught to communicate with each other clearly and effectively.

What to advise?

Fight selfishness with the help of humility and honoring the other above yourself, learn to sacrifice your time, effort, and attention for the sake of another. You go to do something – you sacrifice what you want yourself and do what the other person wants. You sit down to listen to him, take time for him to tell you what he wants to say, and even if it seems funny and insignificant to you, it cannot be considered funny – you must take it seriously because for another it is serious.

It must be remembered that communication is an acquired interaction skill. No matter how bad communication is, it can always be improved.

2.Over-open and over-closed relationships.

In an ultra-closed marriage, husband and wife seem to drift apart over the years. They share revelations with little willingness, expose vulnerabilities, or develop common life goals and objectives. Instead, each of the spouses leads their own way of life, independent of the other, each has its own needs and goals. They tend to turn on defense mechanisms, condemn and suppress or subtly manipulate each other. Protective, egocentric attitudes create conflict and push husband and wife apart.

On the contrary, in an over-open marriage, the relationship of the spouses is so captivating that both partners lose their own identity and feel like they are in a mousetrap. At the same time, from time to time, when both partners try to escape from such a suffocating intimacy, verbal aggression and direct assault are noted.

What to advise?

Strive for balance in marriage. Each of the spouses can have friends with whom he/she is pleased to communicate, but at the same time, they should not forget that the main person in their life is their spouse, and he has the right to know more about you than anyone else. or.

Advise people to change, to develop, both together and individually. This is the best way to avoid emotional fatigue.

3.Interpersonal tension. Both spouses bring into marriage their life experiences for a period of two or more decades. Each has a worldview that the other may not share, so sometimes, even when there is a sincere desire for compromise or unity, couples fail to resolve issues of individual differences.

What happens when spouses have no desire to change? When is there indifference to the worldview of one’s neighbor? When do they refuse to recognize objectively existing individual differences? There is only one answer: there are marital conflicts. And they often arise in one of the following areas:

1. Sexual life. Most couples have sexual problems from time to time. Solution: Getting rid of excessive employment, the indifference of one or both spouses, as well as conflicts that exist between them.
2. Role functions. In our time, the traditional male and female role functions are rapidly changing. This often leads to conflicts and misunderstandings about what it means to be a husband or wife. Often these tensions relate to the nature and scope of the wife’s work or career. Solution: It is important here to show the roles of husband and wife in the “eyes” of God. Discuss the following scriptures with the person: Ephesians 5:21–33; Colossians 3:18–25; 1 Peter 3:1-7.
3. Inflexibility. When a man and a woman start a family, each brings their own uniqueness to the marriage. Sometimes these personal differences complement each other and contribute to the harmonization of relationships. But it also happens that these qualities begin to annoy the spouses, provoking the appearance of problems in communication. Solution: Talk to the person about the fact that as people get older, marital relationships should change as well. They must mature to stay healthy. According to Christian counselor G. Norman Wright, marital relationships must go through certain stages in order to remain stable and still enjoyable. It is important for a husband and wife to work to build and improve their marriage.
4. Religion. The Bible warns of problems that arise in the marriage of a believer to an unbeliever. Counselors talk about conflicting relationships even when the husband and wife are from different denominations, differ in devotion to spiritual matters, interest in the religious education of children, or judgments about it. These differences create tensions in other areas as well, such as the choice of friends, morality, charity, and the use of Sunday time. Religion can be a strengthening, binding force in a marriage, but it can also be the focus of marital tension if the husband and wife have different ideas. Solution: Discuss the following scripture with your partner: 1 Corinthians 7:12–16. This will help clarify the priority in religious matters and guide your interlocutor to the right decision.
5. Values. What is truly important in life? What should you spend your time and money on? What are our goals? These questions are about values. When a couple has identical values, the marriage is often healthy and both spouses grow in spirit. When there is a conflict of values, the relationship between husband and wife is one of the opposites, power struggles, and mutual criticism. Value conflicts are at the center of many marital problems. Solution: The best solution is to discuss values ​​before marriage. But suppose these questions appeared in the process of family life. In that case, it is necessary to sit down and pronounce each such question separately: arguing, giving examples, and clearly explaining your point of view to your spouse.
6. Contrasting needs and personality differences. For a century, psychologists have argued about the existence of human needs. Most agree that each of us needs air, water, food, rest, and the absence of pain; there is also a range of psychological needs, such as the need for love, security, and communication with their own kind. In addition, most people appear to have unique personal needs (eg, the need to dominate, control, possess, achieve, and help and save others). In a situation where one of the spouses wants to dominate and the other to manage, compatibility may be noted. In a situation where both want to dominate, there is ground for conflict. Solution: in such situations, only open communication between spouses helps. It is important to freely share your needs, temptations, attitudes, and feelings with each other.

Give a balanced assessment of the marital relationship of your companions. To do this, ask yourself the question: What made this person turn to you for help? Answering this question is not as easy as it might seem at first glance. Sometimes husband and wife answer this question in different ways. Gently but persistently research as many details as possible and try to get answers to questions that will give you more information to understand their marital problems better. By asking a husband or wife to give specific examples of disagreement and conflict, the counselor is able to understand not only the source of the disagreement, but also the feelings of alienation, anger, resentment, anxiety, and inferiority that accompany it.

When evaluating the marital relationship of your companions, pay attention to two major problems. First, try to answer the question of what level of spiritual development the couple is at, whether they are believers. Second, be careful not to spend the entire initial period of your relationship discussing their marital problems. A husband or wife who turns to a counselor already feels overwhelmed, marital conflicts and problems cause them pain and suffering. If all the time of your communication is spent on finding out the list of their problems, then in this case people may feel disappointed, and next time they simply will not write to you. So, as you gather the information you need, remember that one of the main goals of your communication is to “create positive perspectives, lead to the need for change, and start the process of change.” From the outset, it is important to provide a person with a basis for hope.

Your main goals in such communication should be:

• identifying specific problems that give rise to conflicts;
• teaching spouses constructive communication;
• training them in problem-solving strategies and decision-making techniques;
• help in understanding their relationships in the process of counseling communication;
• learning to express their frustrations, disappointments, and hopes for the future;
• preservation of marital unity;
• teaching spouses how to build a marriage based on biblical principles.

As counselors, we can consider our most significant success if spouses can learn to build their marriage on biblical principles and become obedient to Jesus Christ, devoted to each other, grow spiritually, and constantly improve communication with each other while achieving common goals and resolving conflicts.